Stuck In A Rut

Sorry about the lack of updates lately, just been kinda bleh around here. Being stuck in a rut is the best way I can describe it. And it’s on more than one thing.

Creatively, I really don’t know where to go from where im currently at, but the creative side of me has really dulled down and it has been that way for a while now, projects never really come into fruition, and follow-through has never been a huge strong point of mine. It keeps feeling like I need change, but each time I change it, it just isn’t the one I was expecting, or I don’t feel satisfied with it, the main problem being, I have no idea what I want.

Career wise, well, filling out a ton of applications, but never getting a call back, and a couple other potential opportunities that have fallen apart, but really, I can’t control that, so it doesn’t worry me too much, of course I’d love to be working, but you can’t force someone to hire you.

But most of all I think the one that bleh that is bugging me the most is friendship. I feel lately like I’ve been slacking, or a bad friend to a few people, I don’t know why, but I feel like im doing/have done something wrong to some people, like im not giving, listening, caring enough, or that im focusing on some and not others, making them feel like outcasts or something.  I try to be as open as possible and as available to everyone as possible, I just feel like maybe im not doing enough, or maybe im trying too hard, annoying them and driving them away.

Maybe im severely over-thinking this, maybe ill forget about it all tomorrow, but lately, it has just been bugging me. I mean, I’m happy with my life (obviously I wish I had some local friends to hang out with and talk to, but I digress), I’ve got a family that loves me and some of the best friends in the world. There’s just something missing that I can’t quite figure out yet, and with life you have to keep striving to learn, and I want to learn what the missing piece is, because I guess if I don’t learn what it is, I won’t know what im looking for.

Life keeps going, rut or no rut, you gotta power yourself through, you’ll get out of it eventually.

 

Take care everyone, I promise ill update again soon!

The Issue of Over-Thinking

This is something I, and a few of my friends, deal with quite often. Over-thinking things, simple things, things that aren’t really life changing for the most part. This is something I’ve dealt with for a while, and there’s really no explanation for it. Even this blog entry, I’ve been over-thinking because I wasn’t sure what it should contain, what it should be called, or if I should even do it at all.

For a couple examples, the first one being computer graphics, something as simple as a header or avatar on twitter or facebook can be enough to pretty much drive me crazy. After I select or create a photo, if it looks blurry, or off center, even if it isn’t, in my mind, it will just keep nagging me to change something, ANYTHING about it. It’s like a constantly creeping monster waiting to strike, all in the comfort of your cranium, always picking out one little thing that it wants to see changed, even if it’s fine the way it is. The second (of many) things is texting or talking to someone.

This is really a bigger issue with me. Each time I send a text, my brain always has to chime in to make me second guess what I’ve just sent. And it’s such a dumb thing, but without fail each time I send one “Does that sound weird/creepy?” “Why did you just send that?” “That was dumb, just shut up before you make it worse!” Even before sending one, it feels the need to say “You are going to be bothering them, stop it!”.  Now, like on twitter or facebook,  I find it’s easier to deal with because it’s a large audience, and you aren’t focusing so much on what you say, because it’s a large group of differing people.  But when just talking/texting with one person, it’s really a hard thing to deal with, and it does make it hard to just communicate with someone out of the blue. The thing that is so hard about it, is you can’t really control it, at all. The mind is going to think what it wants, no matter what you try to do to, how to put this without sounding stupid, not think.

So then it comes down to figuring out a way to deal with it, because you can’t go through life not doing things because your brain tries to over-analyze and second guess every single thing you do or want to do.

The best way that I can describe how to control it, is literally to just deal with it. I mean, I know, sounds simple, but it’s something you’ve got to do. To manage it, pretty much you have to just go about your business, no matter what your mind tries to tell you to change, and to do differently. Your mind is going to go through the motions with each decision, and it’s something that you know you’ll have to deal with, but know you aren’t alone in this daily battle with the mind, as I’ve come to learn myself, as a few friends have told me they deal with the same issue. This is the problem with the mind, it can be a great friend, but at the same time, it can be a great foe. It’s just too bad you can’t erase that 2nd part of it.

What Do I Believe?

I don’t like to get into this a lot, because you know how it goes, usually religion and politics are the two big subjects that end in fights. But I was kind of inspired by something that happened this past week to post this. I had two Mormon ladies knock on my door. Now, some people can be completely rude and disregard them, I try my best to be nice to everyone, so, I decided to talk to them. After a tiny introduction they said “What religious background are you and your family?” I responded by saying that we weren’t religious at all, then they asked me “Well, what do you believe?”

Well,  some people have beliefs that go by a book, some go by things they’ve seen and learned through others. What I believe is what I’ve learned. Do I go to church? Never have, never plan to. If someone asks me, I may go in respect of them.  Do I believe in a god? A part of my brain wants to say yes, but, I’ve seen some of the kindest, most gentle people die in some very slow, painful ways, that  if there was a god, he/she shouldn’t allow it to happen. But as much as that makes my mind want to, I won’t write it off completely, I keep my mind open to any religion or idea. Am I an atheist? Absolutely not.  It’s hard to say exactly what I am, I don’t follow a book, or another person. I believe the things I believe based on knowledge gained through my life.

Everyone has their own set of morals, religion isn’t necessary for morals. I know what I think is right and wrong. I try to be the best person that I can, not to get into somewhere in a possibly existing afterlife, but because I know what it’s like to be treated poorly, lied to, and knowing how it feels, I don’t wish to make anyone feel that way.  Am I a saint? No, and I’ll be the first to admit it. But for me it’s simple things like holding a door open, saying please and thank you, donating money/time, giving someone a smile, tolerance/acceptance of others no matter the differences, don’t lie, don’t cheat, keep promises made, be dependable and respect others. They may not be a part of everyone’s moral compass, but they are on mine.  Obviously there is much more to what I believe, and this could go on for a while, but this is the, lets say, compact edition, if you will.

So if you ask me what I believe, and what I believe in, and if it takes me a while to come up with a condensed version, I apologize. I believe in a lot of things, it’s just not written in a scripture, or a book. And it isn’t a set of standards set by anyone else. I believe in the standards I have set for myself, for what a good person should be.

Welcome! Make yourselves comfy!

This is my first little post in this new blog, so I’d like to welcome you all! I’ve been trying to start up a blog for a while but I couldn’t come up with one central subject to start it on. So, I decided to create this little world where I can share my thoughts on pretty much anything.

Some people might like it and stay a little while, some may not like it at all and head for the exits, it’s cool either way, when I get more into this and updating, I really hope you enjoy getting to know who I am a little better, and a little more about the things I like, and I’ll always be happy to talk to anyone about anything (Im usually on twitter, all that info is on my contact page.), comments always welcome! 

So I hope you enjoy your stay!

~Cuj